WONDEROAK

Dear Future World Changer/ Spokeswoman for Human Rights/ Voice-to-be-Reckoned-With,

You have fire in your heart, and I can’t wait to see what you do with your passion. Today, screaming. Tomorrow, voice for justice. There are no limits to what you’re capable of. But today, I do have limits. So, please, stop screaming.

Love,

Mom

I have two wild girls at my house. They are not easily guided, and they challenge every boundary I set. They are not quiet and they have an opinion about everything. They are also passionate lovers and joyfully exuberant about life in a way that is contagious.

But a door or a barrier to them means one thing: bulldoze that thing.

If you too are raising a World-Shaker, here’s some survival tips:

1. Extreme Opinions. So there was that one time we went to Target and she became fixated on a pretty box of menstrual pads. You woulda thought it was a Tickle Me Elmo in 1996. She didn’t seem to care at all that I prefer non-adhesive or no wings OR that I wasn’t even on my period. The moment when she ran shrieking down the aisle holding a pack of feminine products though? That was special.

If this happens to you: Exit gracefully. And by gracefully I mean panic, leave your cart and your friend and remove screaming child to sanctity of her own car seat. Close car door and breath deeply for 90 seconds. You need a lot of things right now, oxygen is probably one of them.

2. ALL THE FITS. My mom tells me that I threw one or two tantrums as a child. She ignored me and I never did again. HOLD. THE. PHONE. Whaaaaaa? Those genetics were definitely misplaced somewhere along the way. I don’t even think I have them anymore.

The window being up. The window being down. The word “no”. Not being able to wear stilettos in the snow. Sitting. Wearing clothes. Not being old enough for hip hop class. Bedtime. Sharing. Eating food. Hair brushing. All extremely offensive.

If this happens to you: We adopted a Loving on Purpose technique for this. It’s called “Fun to be around? Or room”. Meaning: you’re welcome to keep throwing that fit, but not around me because my ear drums are going to blow as well as my patience. A girl’s gotta let off some steam sometimes. She will rage for a bit, and then say “I weady be fun.”#winwin

Confession: My husband and I totally ask each other, “Fun or room?”

3. All the Passion. My child has an intense aversion to “dirty”. And by dirty I mean: touched by specks of dirt not visible to the human eye. God help me if that happens in Costco. Nothing stresses out the elderly more than a two year old stripping in December. I used to think baby without socks in August caused a scene.

If this happens to you: Just say “DONALD TRUMP for president!” That is definitely more horrifying than your nearly-nude baby. Conversation evaded. Every-time.

4. Library Shenanigans. There they were. A sea of well-behaved children with baby Uggs and perfectly placed hair bows ready for story time. My child was doing some sort of dance that was half sitting down and half spinning on her head. I felt the need to intervene about the time she started petting the girl in front of her.

If this happens to you: Envision you’re on a beach in Cabo drinking a Mai Tai  and reading a fashion magazine. You are so cool in that world. Plaster a smile on your face and wink at curious onlookers. Cabo, Cabo, Cabo…

5. Wardrobe Battles. All they care about is hand-me-down dresses from the eighties and a shredded Tinkerbell costume. Also, have you ever tried to put pants on a person who does not want to wear pants? Let me ask you another question: have you ever been told not to stand behind a horse? Both are great ways to get kicked.

If this happens to you: This calls for a stealth-mission: Project Fashion Intervention. Long after bedtime, remove the offensive attire. Some things can go to the thrift store, most need to be torched.  Maybe a romantic bonfire with the hubs?

6. The Arch.  The arch is a technically difficult move that should probably be reserved for gymnasts. Instead it happens every single time I put her in her carseat. It is accompanied by a lot of screaming. I feel a bit misunderstood in my effort to keep her alive.

If this happens to you: Find a phrase to chant like, “I cannot die from piercing noises. I cannot die from piercing noises.” or “I’m an adult. I’m an adult.” Until calm is achieved. Remember to use your inside voice. Next, shout “KITTY!” and buckle seat like a ninja.

7. Hurt Feelings. Recently both my girls have discovered what they think is a ‘loophole’: The feelings.  “That hurts my feewings”. Putting clothes on? Not roaring so loudly? Sharing? Eating dinner? You guessed it. Emotionally damaging.

If this happens to you: Find something both wise and compassionate to say like: “I know honey, I’m sorry, now eat your asparagus.” Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. This technique pairs nicely with a glass of cabernet.

Let me be clear: what I’m not talking about is having an open-range home where we are bossed around by tiny dictators. We have the same boundaries we’ve had with all our kids.

Even so…In this day and age, where women are getting more of a voice than ever (but have a ways to go, amiright?) – I hope my girls’s vibrant spirits are never broken. I hope they learn compassion and kindness, but that their voices are never quiet.

I hope they bulldoze every door in their way.

For now though…I’m just trying to get some freaking hair ties at Target.

So, with a glass of cabernet in hand, I salute you mama. They’re going to turn out great.

What are your thoughts on raising the wild women (or men)???

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