An Open Letter to Beach Goers, Love Bikini Mama

Dear Beach Goers,

I just want you to know, I didn’t picture it going this way. I’ll admit, there were times in my life when I wanted to flaunt my stuff. That was a pre-mom time when showers flowed like cheap wine and when shaving wasn’t designated to “top priority areas”.

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When I headed to the lake this morning, I pictured sunbathing in that lounged position that is flattering on everyone. Instead I found myself racing back and forth across the entire beach like a hyper Golden Retriever chasing my children. I’m sure it was very sexy. And let’s talk about all the bending over. Listen. I have no idea what my butt looks like from that position. But you do. And I’m sorry.

Today, I was reduced to a lifeguard on steroids. I didn’t want to be that lady yelling at her kids. (‘For the LOVE, lady’, amiright?). But the beach was like a dream where I was screaming and no one heard me. And by “no one” I mean everyone, except for my kids. Right when I was saving the life of child #2 and yelling at #3 and #4 to stay on the beach, a yellow jacket got the best of me. Right in the underarm, the one day in the year I wore deodorant.

That’s the moment you’ll remember. The moment when I shouted the crown jewel of obscenities. We will all remember that moment. Especially my two year old, apparently.

To The Youth of Today, the chronic adjusting of my bikini top was not me trying to flash you.  Some time in 15 years, you will discover, after babies, these are merely renegade body parts trying to escape. It is actually terrifying.

To My Fellow Mamas, I looked at you as I ran by. Many of you chose one pieces and skorts. I admire you because, you are smarter than me. But practical was not a gift I was given. I will hold on to this remnant of my youth for better or for worse. And today friends, it was for worse.

Bikini Mama 


Ever have an awkward beach moment? Do tell!

7 responses to “An Open Letter to Beach Goers, Love Bikini Mama”

  1. Ha ha ha! This is the best. I chose a bikini this summer as well and apparently flashed my son’s 4 year old friend while bending over to help my daughter in the pool. He was mortified. Oops!

  2. Omg, that is just hilarious!!

  3. Jess, you are pure awesomeness! Both in your realness and in your total non-practical-ness, a trait which I too, possess… in spades, sometimes! I love that about you and I love all our bikini clad foibles, because, hey… you are going for it and being a great mom at the same time! And in my book, there is NOTHING better! I totally feel you on the line about… “I have no idea what my butt looks like from that angle” point. I have thought this several times in recent excursions to the lake and for other moms looking on, I have felt, “you know what… you have to bend over too, so, yep… I’m just going for it” and for everyone else, well, “I apologize, but hey… this is REAL life, it’s not all fancy!”

  4. Haha! I love it Ellie, and yes, real life isn’t fancy is it?!

  5. Funny thing! Just this past week I was coming out of the water in my thought-I-was-smart one-piece skort…when alas, my right areola decided to make an appearance! I noticed right after I narrowly avoided eye contact with a dad on the beach. My husband thought it was hilarious. Swimwear just requires a level of awareness…that I can’t achieve while parenting.

  6. […] For more reading  like this check out Mom Confessions: Why You didn’t “Enjoy” Today & An Open Letter to Beach Goers, Love Bikini Mama […]

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