Category: Humor
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To my friends who are new moms, here’s what to expect…
Welcome my friend, you’ve got this. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you will grow into motherhood just as gradually and quickly as the brand new baby you’re holding in your arms. It will become you, it already has. You just went through the most mind blowing, godawful, gorgeous, magical, frightening event of your…
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Swearing and other things I taught my kids.
I had grand plans of the things I would teach my kids. I would teach them confidence, kindness, and a love for great books. I am still working on that, but in the meantime I’ve taught them some other gems… Swearing. Yesterday on our way to church my oldest son realized he’d forgotten something at…
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So this is my thirties
Last night, I was tucking the girls in and my four year old reached up and touched my face, “You are young,” she said, “but you do have those lines by your eyes.” This is my thirties. I am still young-ish, but I do have the lines around my eyes. Dammit. I’ll tell you what…
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Mom Guilt is a Liar
I have friends that grow, cook, and make almost everything from scratch that their kids eat. They are amazing. I salute them while I rip open a box of macaroni and cheese and add an extra few tablespoons of butter. It’s Annie’s Organic on a good day…otherwise we are not above the 19-cent variety. A…
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School Shopping Problems
I decided to take the girls school shopping today. I LOVE SHOPPING, ALL SHOPPING, so I was excited. I may have overshot my expectations. First things first we got Starbucks. I got a triple, and I got cookie dough cake pops for the girls. They thought they were too sweet and now I don’t even…
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How to Survive Motherhood? Friends.
As a kid, I imagined that shipwrecks and quicksand were going to be a lot more of a problem than they turned out to be. I’d sometimes lay in my bed at night envisioning myself struggling onto a desolate shore in tattered clothes. The terror was not about getting marooned on an island, but being…
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Dear Stranger, Yes, my hands are full…
There I am, standing in the checkout line. One child is having a meltdown because they want a soda and the other one is doing aerial spins in the aisle. She is seconds away from taking out an elderly gentleman. He will never see it coming; she’ll take him out right at the knees. I…
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Why I Will Not Judge Your Parenting
I’m too damn busy. I’m too busy making mistakes and praying my kids turn out alright anyway. I’m too busy looking at my musty smelling laundry pile and wondering if I should fold it or light it all on fire. I’m too busy teaching my kids good work ethics which means saying “stop playing and…
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Family Vacations: How to Make Realistic Goals
Usually when we travel together everything runs like a well oiled machine. If you oiled a 1950’s tractor with urine. We are a very slow moving machine that smells like pee, is what I’m trying to say. It is a longstanding tradition in my family to create stressful family vacations. My grandpa used to pile us…
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Dinnertime Madness: Why it’s the Worst, and How to Survive
They say that family dinners around the table are very important. I completely agree. Mostly because it’s character building. It’s very important to learn how to feed people that do not want to be fed, while attempting to have meaningful conversation. It’s kind of like highschool math…it’s unclear HOW this is going to help you…