Swearing and other things I taught my kids.

I had grand plans of the things I would teach my kids. I would teach them confidence, kindness, and a love for great books. I am still working on that, but in the meantime I’ve taught them some other gems…

Swearing.

Yesterday on our way to church my oldest son realized he’d forgotten something at home and hollered out a perfectly timed swear word. My husband and I looked at each other. I didn’t know whether to be stern, or a little proud.

Husband: What?!

Kid: What?

Husband: What did you say?

Kid: What?

We do not have a swear jar in our family because I still need to be able to afford Costco runs and lattes. We don’t call them “bad words” we call them “adult words” because swearing is an awesome perk of being a grown up: wine, no bedtime, and swearing. I try and keep these words to myself, but one never knows when one will hit one’s head on a cupboard or get cut off in traffic.

I grew up in a conservative home where there was zero swearing. This resulted in pretty bad swearing anxiety for me in junior high. Like, how do you just slip in those words so nonchalantly? I had zero cursing chill. I’d do my best to drop a d-bomb whenever I could, but my friends would still say I never swore. DID THEY EVEN KNOW HOW HARD I WAS TRYING???

That will not be my kids future. Nope. They are being groomed for a very non-awkward transition into adulthood. You’re welcome kids. When I do overhear them I will raise my eyebrows and say WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT???! And they will be all, mom, come on.

Farting.

When I met my husband he was thrown off by the fact that I never passed gas around him. I just knew in my heart he wasn’t ready for that. When I did finally “break the barrier” he was horrified and he’s been wishing I would stop ever since. What did he think it would smell like, a field of daisies???

In my family growing up “toots” belonged in the bathroom ONLY. I don’t think I was created for that lifestyle, mostly because of stomach aches. I’ve been becoming more and more free ever since.

Recently I was in a Ross and decided to let one out in the children’s clothing aisle. I calculated that it was a silent one.

It was not.

It rang like a siren through the store, echoing off of the walls with such force that I wanted to melt into the clearance rack. I panicked, then a moment of clarity.

My sweet three-year-old was looking through the dresses. I bent down and said loudly, “OH SWEETIE DO YOU NEED TO GO POTTY?”

It was not a proud moment for me.

BUT, there are a few perks to motherhood, and this is one of them.

The point is, we are a free form farting family. My kids have zero gas shame, which is really only a problem on road trips and in church.

Dancing.

I’m not what you might call a “good dancer”, but what I lack in skill, I make up for in passion. If my song comes on it really doesn’t matter where I’m at, I gotta move, and the kids are the same way. We will spontaneously break out in dance in the car, in the grocery store, at the gas station, and on the side walk. It’s kind of like a flash mob, except the uncoordinated version.

My oldest son is the exception. He still thinks wrestling is the same as dancing, so he just starts attacking his brother and his brother starts yelling (that’s fun). He’s going to love mosh pits.

Apologizing.

Sometimes I react and my brain catches up 30 seconds later. That results in saying sorry a lot. I used to feel bad about that until one time I overheard my two middle kids in the other room getting ready for school.

Him: “OAKLEE, MOVE, YOU’RE IN THE WAY!”

*Pause*

“Sorry  Oaklee, I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.”

Her: “I forgive you.”

Suddenly I felt proud. None of us are perfect. Not me, not them; so apologizing well is an awesome tool to have.

***

So, we’re still reading great books and talking about confidence and kindness, but we’re also dancing and passing gas.

I love my little family exactly as we are…quirks and all.

***

What questionable things have you taught your kids??

 

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18 thoughts on “Swearing and other things I taught my kids.

  1. Cari Swadley

    Virtual high five. Doing what I can to produce normal, functioning adults….while not actually being a normal functioning adult. Tricky. Accidental lessons I have taught my half grown children: cursing, creative alternatives to cursing (what the cream cheese is going on here?), paralyzing fear of answering the phone (look, I don’t know either, just text like a normal person), leaving dishes in the sink until someone else says “this is a BIOHAZARD!”and does them for you or until they start to smell, and how to mess up royally, publicly, loudly, and having to look people in the eyes and apologize for whatever mess up I’ve done now.

  2. Amy Schisler

    Did you grow up in my parents’ house with me? I had the exact same upbringing, but you broke free. I, on the other hand, still tell my 18 and 21-year-olds not to use “potty words.” *sigh*

  3. stomperdad

    Love that you call them “adult words”. We do, too. Our 6 year old has taken to spelling them instead of saying. Like you, I’m not sure if I should scold him for using adult words or praise him on his spelling ability (he seems to know exactly how to spell them all!). As for farts.. they’re always funny. And as Shrek says, “Better out than in”.

  4. Ashley Bell

    My four year old will out of the backseat use an “adult word” in fact both our kids do. We worn babysitters a head of time. We usually follow it up with they are not allowed to call each other names with swear words which they stick to pretty well. Totally blamed my niece for tooting in my kitchen while her dad was standing right there, ok I felt bad but still… I had to improvise.

  5. Hannah

    What parent hasn’t blamed a fart in their kids at some point? I tried the other day, but my 13 year old wasn’t having it, and only made things more embarrassing for myself…hahaha!! Both my boys have declared that they cannot wait to be 21, so that they can drink all the beer they want🍻 😬

  6. Margaret Sky

    Oh man, recently I’ve been learning what ridiculous things I say as they come out of my 2-year-old’s mouth. For example, “Mom, your lips are dying,” when she noticed my lips were chapped, or “What is happening to me/What is even happening?” at totally random times. And then I’m like, “do I really talk like that?” Yes, yes I do.

    Love the fart story! So so excellent!

  7. Joy

    My farts are only loud since I had my 4 kids. Enough said there.

    But I have no shame as a result. Someone gave my girls a book called “Queens don’t toot”.
    Bullshit. I am just waiting for the chance for that book to jump into the fireplace.
    Who honestly wants to inflict gastrointestinal distress on their children like that? Vile filth, if you ask me.
    But swearing, it’s an advanced form of communication. Time and place for everything.

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