Category: Humor
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I’m Sorry I was Late (via Motherly)
I sat down and mapped out a life plan, and so far it looks like I will be late for approximately 15 more years. I’m so excited about my newest post for Motherly, because, FOR REALZZZ. Mornings before kids: 1. Get self ready. 2. Get self in car. 3. Go. Mornings now: 1. Wake up…
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What do Stay at Home Moms DO all day?
While usually we are being quaint and adorable like a live Norman Rockwell painting, there are a few other things that get us from WHYGODWHY in the morning to Netflix-O’clock at night. We clean things so they can be destroyed right exactly before you drop by. I don’t mean to brag, but my kids are capable of making my…
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What My Marriage Needed: Best Friends
When we first got married I was so excited to do EVERYTHING together. I couldn’t wait. I worked at a coffee shop and I told a friend of mine that I was even going to start working with Graham (as a self-employed window washer). “This is a terrible idea.” he said. I’m not sure if…
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Confessions: Things I Accidentally Taught my Kids
Sometimes I teach my kids things that I did not intend to teach them. Sometimes this is an extra bonus, like when I accidentally taught my oldest child to be extremely bossy. I pretend to hate this, but really it’s like getting a third parent for free. I’m half-heartedly retraining him to be a child. It is…
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Thank You Mom (What your kids meant to say)
Maybe you’re sitting on a stool in your kitchen right now, surveying the damage from breakfast. You look in bewilderment at what appears to be the remnants of a crumb monsoon. You stare at your cup of coffee, looking for the answers to life’s questions. About that time, your kids run past you. They tear around the living…
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Mom Runs for Beer: Instructions on how to start running from a non-pro.
Now before I start this, let me just tell you, I’ve been running for 3 months. I am similar to that lady who ranted on Facebook about how parenting isn’t an excuse to not shower and have crumbs under the couch– and she has exactly one 2-week-old infant. We’ve all been collectively giggling while we…
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Summertime Instructions (for the kids)
Dear Kids, It is the beginning of our much anticipated summer together. I have reviewed last years happenings and I have decided to resign from several positions. The positions are as follows: Toilet-Flusher, Sock-Finder, Snack-Maker, and someone to explain (every.single.night.) why the sun is still up at bedtime. Please submit your applications accordingly. Also, from…
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Loving My Body (This one’s for my girls)
A couple days ago, my precious one looked deep into my eyes, placed her chubby little hand on my cheek and said, “Mom, you don’t have a young face, because you have those lines on it.” That came only a week after she’d watched me get out of the shower and lovingly mentioned my “chubby butt”.…
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How to be a Perfect Mom (I Can’t Even)
1.When talking to your kids, try to sound like Mary Poppins, but sweeter and less abrasive.
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Friends. A story about why I need them.
One crisp and starry evening, I was sitting around the fire with some of my best friends eating Oreos and drinking wine, when a little argument broke out among the newlyweds. It went something like this…