How to be a Perfect Mom (I Can’t Even)

Dear Mothers,

1.When talking to your kids, try to sound like Mary Poppins, but sweeter and less abrasive.

2.Never become angry or scared – because you aren’t a human anymore, you are a mother. It’s different. Always be empathetic of their emotions, but avoid having any at all yourself (unless it’s ecstatic joy or all-consuming peace).

3.Don’t feed your kids anything that isn’t raw, organic, and that you didn’t go into to the woods and forage for personally. This should be fairly easy, because there are only three meals a day and 17,000 snacks to take care of. Never EVER get fast food, or as I refer to it:

Satan’s Candy.

Not even once, friends. Not even once.

4. Danger is everywhere. It usually comes in the form of Red Dye #40 and strangers, but sometimes lurks in non-organic cotton. You are a fortress, nothing gets past your Eagle Scout vision.

5. Self Care: The goal is to look like you are a junior in high school. Without ever taking time away from your children, you should be exercising at least 7 1/2 days a week. To find that time, maybe give up sleeping.

6. You must be fun all of the time. Even when you are scraping scrambled eggs out of the carpet and ESPECIALLY when your kid hits you in the head with a giant rock. That is a perfect time to be super fun.

7. You should always know how to answer all the questions they ask you with perfect poise and wisdom, especially, “Why do girls have two butts?” and “Why do ladies wear shirts, is it because their chests are ugly?”.

8. Homeschool and like it, nay, you must love it.

9. Stay home and surrender all other identities at the door. Your name is “Mom” now – you should probably change it legally.

10. Yoga is definitely something that moms do. And if you don’t do yoga, invest in fifteen pairs of yoga pants. You’re welcome.

Love,

Idealistic Expectations + The mother that has never existed, but we all think might.

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I have a theory…this “ideal” mom that is capable of ALL these things- she is a myth. Kind of like Bigfoot – only more toned and with perfect hair. Seriously though. We moms need to keep it real and be in this together, no one else is going to understand these problems, amiright?

I just took my first Yoga class. I took the class for the seriously injured and the elderly, because I knew it would be just my speed.  I was right.

Turns out breathing is very complicated for me and so is thinking of something to fixate on that is less than 500 words and doesn’t have to do with whether or not my kids brought shoes to grandmas house. It’s a real problem. My second son never brings shoes anywhere. How does one walk across gravel and snow with out having an a-ha moment?? I don’t even know.

I feel okay about my relaxing problem though, because one of my friends has a worse yoga problem. She has gone to two yoga classes since having kids, because she needs to mommy-detox. Unfortunately it turns out now that she’s had kids – relaxing actually makes her vart (no, I did not spell that wrong). And that is not something she usually enjoys doing publicly.

We cannot win you guys. Thinking of relaxing things is complicated and stressful, and if we do relax, we vart.

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So, in response…

Dear Idealistic Expectations,

We can’t even do yoga very well. We’re going to need to break up, you’re kind of an asshole.

Love,

The Real Moms

This “ideal” has become steeper, more strenuous – and let’s be honest…

Just straight up impossible to climb. Do I look like I’m about to summit Mt. Everest anytime soon? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s keep this whole parenting thing a little more doable and a little less in the clouds of fantasy bedtime stories…um kay?

To my beloved mamas, obviously you can rock the homeschool and the foraged for food and I still want to be your friend.

Just don’t be perfect because that’s annoying.

See you at yoga.

Special thanks to Marianne Wiest Photography for these insanely amazing photos – she has such a gift, I can’t even handle it. Check her website and follow her on Facebook and Instagram!!

To keep updated on new posts you can either follow me on wordpress, or like my page on Facebook, WONDEROAK Blog!

 

 

9 thoughts on “How to be a Perfect Mom (I Can’t Even)

  1. Merced

    this is so incredibly funny to me!!! I lauged so hard i almost cried reading all of this! Especially the part about being super fun even when your kid hits you in the head with a giant rock! You are hilarious 🙂 keep writing, this stay at home mom of 4…under 4, needs to keep lauging.

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