WONDEROAK

I decided to take the girls school shopping today. I LOVE SHOPPING, ALL SHOPPING, so I was excited.

I may have overshot my expectations.

First things first we got Starbucks. I got a triple, and I got cookie dough cake pops for the girls. They thought they were too sweet and now I don’t even know if I’m raising them right. Don’t worry, I ate all of them because WE DO NOT WASTE IN THIS FAMILY.

Target looked like it had been pillaged by vikings. There was barely even any clothing left to purchase in that place. Also, in case anyone is wondering, every child in America is a size 6 apparently. If you also have a six-year-old,  I will salute you in the hallway. I will know it is you by the high-waters and stained Disney T-shirt you “picked out” for their first day of school. Sorry kids, this year is not your year.

The stores were made up of frazzled Moms who decided to wait until the last minute. I think it is clear I have found my tribe: the procrastinators. The ones who go school shopping when there is no more Crayola paint sets left. We will be the ones trying to sneak our RoseArt into the supply bins. NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW.

I heard more tight lipped interactions between mothers and children than I have in the last two years combined.

“Lola, come here sweetie…”

“Lola, come sit on Gramma’s lap honey, I said stop running please….”

“Lola sweetie…”

“LOLA GRANDMA SAID COME SIT ON MY LAP RIGHT NOW!”

“Lola honey…”

“LOLA RIGHT NOW STOP RUNNING!”

It was not a great day for any of us.

In case you were wondering, Lola did not stop running.

At one point I was digging through little girl jeans willing there to be a magical size change when my 6yo began to whine relentlessly.

“OAKLEE,” I said, “Do not whine please, this is FUN, WE ARE HAVING FUN.”

A woman listlessly rummaged through a pile of graphic-tees next to me. Her shoulders hung heavy while her children played tag among the sweatpants. She had lost her will to parent; I recognized this because I have been there.

She looked up with dark, hallow eyes, “You keep telling yourself that,” she said.

I nodded in solidarity.

At that point I decided it was time to checkout. I spent $100 and it is still unclear what exactly I purchased. I will tell you what I did not purchase, and that was shoes. I tried my very hardest to find them and it just really wasn’t happening for us. This is probably because my first grader and I have different interpretations of “gym shoes”, mine being: “gym shoes”, her’s being “ballet slippers with cheetah print”.

We gave up, agree to disagree, whatever it’s fine. Except, now I’m probably going to have to homeschool because my kid doesn’t have shoes.

We comforted ourselves with small cheese pizzas and chicken strips.

So, now we are exhausted. I have a sodium and caffeine hangover and we are the proud owners of a sweater with emojis on it.  SCHOOL, WE ARE READY FOR YOU…sort of.

Also teachers, I humbly thank you, because seriously.