So this is my thirties

Last night, I was tucking the girls in and my four year old reached up and touched my face, “You are young,” she said, “but you do have those lines by your eyes.”

This is my thirties.

I am still young-ish, but I do have the lines around my eyes. Dammit.

I’ll tell you what else I have…

Hair. Hair is sprouting everywhere you guys. I’m getting a new chin hair per month. Pretty soon I’m going to have a better beard than my husband. What once was a small crop of pube-overgrowth has turned into a wooly mammoth situation. I have to shave my thighs now. AS IF I DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON IN MY LIFE.

A hangover after one Mike’s. Dear young ones, yes, this is a thing. Groggy, headache, zero motivation…the results of a lot less poor choices than you might think. Nope. Just one, singular, alcohol flavored Koolaid I found at the bottom of my parents’ ice chest.

Saggy boobs. I am guessing that this is because I grew behemoth nursing breasts. Normally I am a size A on a good day, so a DDD was a lot for the little ladies to handle. Now we have a deflated birthday balloon situation. It is every bit as sad as it sounds. My body is a memorial of  better times and wasted dreams. Luckily my months of boob-glory also included crying infants, bras that smelled of spoiled milk, and mastitis…just to balance out my overwhelming sex appeal.

My friends and I are looking for a Groupon for boob jobs; let me know if you hear of anything.

I am forced to make healthy choices. Sometimes it is truly a tragedy. For example, this gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free bar thing. I bought this out of a case full of croissants. I try to tell myself it tastes good, but it doesn’t. It tastes like glue with raisins in it. The reason I do this is because my body is weird now. I am old enough to get heartburn like my Grandpa you guys; we both have to sit up in our recliners for awhile after a spicy meal.


Pee in my pants. Kids, that was a great game of Crack the Egg on the trampoline, but mom has to go inside now.


I’m too old to go to the Olympics for anything, unless maybe I become a phenomenal marksman. The other day I saw my high school career teacher. We reminisced about the good old days when I took a “job test” in her class. The test said I should be an FBI agent. We nodded in solidarity as we realized together that this was never going to happen for me. She said I’d probably be good at catching my kids doing bad things in high school though. So there’s that.

Being called Ma’am by the 16-year-old cashier makes me want to ask if it’s okay to call them Satan.

Nothing compares to the time I went to get froyo with my friends (two of whom were visibly pregnant) and the boy at the counter kept referring to them as “my girls”. Finally I was like, “Um. Do you think they’re my daughters?”

“Yes. Is that offensive?”

No, but I am going to go home and swim away in a river of tears, right after I burn this dress that I’m wearing.

I realized what high school math was for. My third grader’s homework, that’s what. Life has come back to laugh in my face because it only gets worse from here. I became a mother and a writer SPECIFICALLY TO PROVE TO MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW PERIODIC TABLES.

Touche’ Mr. E., Touche’.

Sleeping on a crappy mattress does the exact same thing to my body as what one might expect from falling down several staircases or participating in the Cross Fit Games.

I will do and wear whatever I want. Do you guys remember when that article came out about what not to wear after 30? I will wear sparkly pants, with big sunglasses, AND, a graphic tee IF I WANT TO. That is probably NOT what I want to do though, in case you were wondering. Probably I just want to keep wearing these yoga pants…the point is, I’m in my thirties and I do what I want.

I do have the lines around my eyes…but I do what I want.

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Feature photo by C. Bowden Photography.


22 responses to “So this is my thirties”

  1. I absolutely love reading your stuff!!

  2. Wait until you hit the forties. Muwahaha.

  3. loved this! it unfortunately rings true. we’re all in this together tho babe…

  4. I love your honesty! So raw and refreshing. Keep doing kegels. 🙂

  5. Yes, I find myself eating healthy because I feel better. I eyeball the wine… headache. Cookies… heartburn. Skipping lunch because I’m too lazy to spend my precious toddler is napping time making lunch… cranky, tired mess of mama.

  6. Hahaha.. This is so hilarious

  7. I am sitting in my sons occupational therapy appt with very quiet parents observing there kids work hard at swings and throwing things and I’m laughing way to loud with no context for any of these people to understand. Thank you for the joy brought to my morning. 33, saggy boobs and all.

  8. This 💛💛💛 The best!!!

  9. I died reading this, only because it was so relatable. I completely understand EVERYTHING you said here.

  10. You’re the only blog I read where I laugh out loud everytime! So sad about peeing in your pants now and the deflated birthday balloon boobs though :/ have both situations now.
    Ps. I read your moving to California? Been here my whole life, such a great place to live 🙂

  11. Haha thank you! Yes I lived in CA until I was 15. I love Montana, but I’m so excited to go back!

  12. Thank God 😉

  13. Thank you!!

  14. So unbelievably true! No one told me my 30’s were going to be this way.

  15. I just read all of this to a few people in a management meeting and we laughed so hard we cried. You re a brilliant writer. It is all true.
    Keep us laughing!!!! We need it!!!!!

  16. This is hilarious and unfortunately true. I don’t have the saggy Boobs and all but my bones creak like a haunted house. I can’t do anything strenuous without being sore and achy the next day. Oh, and I have more hair on my ears than on my head!

  17. 57 here. Thinking back 30s were excellent. Advice: don’t stress too much, take care of yourself, continue to learn, exercise, and enjoy. As bad as it seems, we are still waking up on the right side of the dirt.

  18. I am well into my forties longing for the era where I only had a double chin. I meant this to make you feel better, but maybe it will make you dread your forties. Read at your own risk? 😉 PS LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your writing. I post your articles on my writer’s facebook page more than I post my own!

  19. Awe thank you!!!

  20. This was so funny, because I still remember….. I will be 66 years old next week, but I love being this age, even with dental implants, cataracts removed, and arthritis….. because I am a retired Career teacher… and I still remember those tests…. when I was in my thirties…..

  21. I loved reading it. So relatable.
    ” I do have the lines around my eyes…but I do what I want.” 🙂 Absolutely!

  22. SO funny…and SO true!!!!! Hair, post-baby body, being called ma’am. Oy vey, we’re getting old!

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