WONDEROAK

Recently I went to a sports bar/pizza place for a friend’s birthday. There was sawdust on the floor, peanuts, and initials carved into the table. I thought, you know who belongs here?

My kids.

I was right. A week later we brought them. We got a paper tray full of peanuts and my husband instructed everyone that their shells were to be thrown on the floor. I guard the carpet under our kitchen table like a prison warden, so my seven-year-old’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas. His shrill, villainous, laughter could be heard across the bar as he plowed through peanuts just so he could throw the shells to the ground. Graham busted out his pocket knife and my nine-year-old set to work on the table with the prowess of a young Michelangelo.

We are such good parents.

We ordered beers and a pitcher of root beer. I don’t think my kids have seen that much soda in their entire lives. Everyone was so stuffed from circus peanuts and carbonation that we fed our family of six on just one pizza.

Friends, that hasn’t happened since 2007.

Thought the era for hitting that cool pub or brewery had to be traded in for a mellow night at Sizzler? Think again. Bars are awesome for families and here’s why:

Because they are LOUD. If you have to shout to each other, it is the perfect volume for a family outing. No one will notice if your kids are yelling, spilling, whining, or crawling under the table.

Most importantly: you will barely notice your kids are yelling, spilling, whining, and crawling under the table.

You can wear whatever you want and no one will judge. Sweat pants and hoody? Cool, there’s an older gentlemen at the bar wearing the exact same outfit.

The wait staff aren’t always polished, but my friend neither is your five year old.

You can have a drink…If there’s ever a time to have a beer, it’s when you’re out to eat with toddlers. Amiright?

Bar food. If you don’t want teeny tiny sophisticated portions, if you want to eat burgers, pizza, and fish and chips the size of your head…If you want to know that a place has a legitimate ranch option…then a bar is the place for you.

Because drunk people are super encouraging. When I was in the bathroom trying to coax my daughter to “wrap it up”, an older lady with big hair and a couple dozen earrings thought WE WERE THE CUTEST THING EVER, NO, SERIOUSLY SOOOOOOOO CUTE…Thank you, I think so too.

Because even if we are annoying people...then clearly it’s not us – it’s them. They’re at a bar with sawdust on the floor. Someone needs to lower their expectations.

Because bars are awesome. Carve on the table. Throw your peanuts on the floor. Does this not sound like kid heaven?

It sounds like everyone heaven.

Because what happens at the bar, stays at the bar. And by that I mean the crumbs, ALLL the crumbs. I mean the rootbeer that spilled and the dirty dishes. I mean the grease fingerprints all over the table. ThankyouGodandallthatisholy.

Your floor will remain intact and your kitchen won’t look like it belongs in a frat house (#everysingledinnertime). You can go home and take a bath. With bubbles. Yaaaaaas.

So, let other families hit up Pizza Hut, reserve classy places for date night – and take your kids to the bar.

That’s what I do.

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