It’s okay to be mad at me.
Sometimes we make decisions for you that you don’t agree with or understand. You feel voiceless and frustrated.
Sometimes I overreact and I misunderstand.
Sometimes you just have a bad day. It’s okay, I have those days too.
Sometimes you get scared and your reaction is anger.
It’s okay to be mad.
Here’s what I want you to know:
There’s nothing I care more about than you. There’s no one I’d rather protect from all pain than you.
If I could, I would command the world to hold still for you. I would silence every lie and I would tell every voice to speak the truth: that you are amazing, that you are great, and that you are unstoppable. I would chisel into stone the words: you are strong enough to do tough things.
There’s nothing in my life harder than letting you hurt and knowing I can’t fix it. I can walk with you and hold your hand. I can speak truth and speak truth and speak truth, and I can love you no matter what, but I can’t take your pain.
What I can do though is this:
I can make space for you to be mad at me,
and I can let you be and feel what you feel.
Sometimes I try and encourage you before you’re ready. I tell you the “bright side” and it’s not what you need; I’m sorry. I will try harder to sit with you in the feeling that you feel and be your safe place.
I used to think that anger and fear were bad emotions, something I could bury with ice cream and cheap TV. I told myself that there was something wrong in my heart when I felt rage rumbling. I used to think I was weak and insecure when fear would consume me, but it isn’t true. Sometimes we have to walk through the pain to come out the other side. If you do that my love, it won’t consume you, and it won’t consume your life…I promise.
I want you to know you can feel everything and anything you need to feel when you’re with me.
Burying it doesn’t work anyway; I know, I’ve tried.
If I could I would build a mile high wall around your heart and protect you from every hurtful thing, but it turns out I can’t, my love. It turns out that wouldn’t really be love at all. You’re not going to like or understand every decision we make for you. Sometimes we are going to disappoint you, and sometimes you’re going to feel angry and not know why. I want you to know that I love you and I am WITH YOU every step of the way.
I don’t want to ever disappoint you or let you down, but the truth is I do sometimes and I’m probably going to keep doing that all of my life.
I’ve never had a better reason to be perfect than you, but even that’s not enough.
This life is messy. Sometimes your heart might be broken into a million pieces with recovery far out of sight. Sometimes the future feels dim and the past feels bright, but let me tell you something: you are going to make it, you are going to be okay. We are going to walk this road together, we are going to feel the feelings, and we are going to pass through to the other side.
The steps might be dimly lit and confusing, you might not always be fun to be around, and fear might sometimes dictate your thoughts and opinions, and that’s okay. That’s normal. I am with you. I am with you when the sun shines and when the sky darkens with thunder.
There will be both, and we will be together for both.
Jess is Mama to Malachi (10), Scout (8), Oaklee (6), and Haven (4). She writes about the joy and the craziness here at wonderoak.com. Her and her husband Graham are currently moving across the country with their crew. You can follow here, Facebook, and Instagram.