Sometimes I peek in your door and watch you sleeping. I wonder how I could ever get mad or frustrated at you. Your soft face is squished against your pillow and your favorite stuffed animal is buried under your chin.
Today I was irritated that you left your notebooks and crayons all over the floor.
I was annoyed that I could hear you bickering in the other room.
I was bothered that I asked you to clean up five times before you did.
All of those things are silly and unimportant now, as I pause.
Those things have little to do with you and everything to do with me.
You are my favorite.
Even when I am grumpy in the morning reaching for my coffee between cracking eggs into the pan. Even when you aren’t thankful for your food and you push it around with your fork, asking questions like, “is this ALL we are having?” Even then, I’d rather be here, grumpy, and cooking for you than anywhere else in the world.
Even when you climb into my bed at night and my arm falls asleep because I can’t move and I wish for just ONE MORE hour of rest. I wouldn’t trade this life for one where I was refreshed and awake. Not in a million years would I trade it.
You see, once I didn’t think that I’d have you. Once I prayed for you, wondering if you would ever be. You were wished for, longed for, and wanted with all of my heart. I wouldn’t trade these moments of frustration; I wouldn’t trade these moments for anything in the entire world.
Yes, I get annoyed. Yes, I get frustrated.
Sometimes I think I might just lose my mind, but I’d pick up your underwear and your crayons a million times over, my love.
I know that I am the luckiest one that ever was that I get to be your mom. I know that I’m the wealthiest person on the planet that I get to raise you. I wouldn’t trade a second of the pain that comes with parenting for any other life. It is my greatest joy to be the one who gets to wake you up in the morning and tuck you into bed at night.
It is my greatest joy even when I feel tired instead of blessed.
When it comes down to it, as I look at your sweet and priceless face asleep against your pillow…this is the most beautiful journey. It is my joy and honor to be right here in this moment with you.
I know that I miss it with you, maybe more than I get it right. I know that I react often instead of pausing to think. I know that I make big issues out of small things that don’t really matter.
I’m far from a perfect mom. I miss it and I make mistakes, but my heart belongs to you always and forever.
Always and forever I am yours.