Dear Kids, When I’m tired…

Dear Kids,

Sometimes I peek in your door and watch you sleeping. I wonder how I could ever get mad or frustrated at you. Your soft face is squished against your pillow and your favorite stuffed animal is buried under your chin.

Today I was irritated that you left your notebooks and crayons all over the floor.

I was annoyed that I could hear you bickering in the other room.

I was bothered that I asked you to clean up five times before you did.

All of those things are silly and unimportant now, as I pause.

Those things have little to do with you and everything to do with me.

You are my favorite.

Even when I am grumpy in the morning reaching for my coffee between cracking eggs into the pan. Even when you aren’t thankful for your food and you push it around with your fork, asking questions like, “is this ALL we are having?” Even then, I’d rather be here, grumpy, and cooking for you than anywhere else in the world.

Even when you climb into my bed at night and my arm falls asleep because I can’t move and I wish for just ONE MORE hour of rest. I wouldn’t trade this life for one where I was refreshed and awake. Not in a million years would I trade it.

You see, once I didn’t think that I’d have you. Once I prayed for you, wondering if you would ever be. You were wished for, longed for, and wanted with all of my heart. I wouldn’t trade these moments of frustration; I wouldn’t trade these moments for anything in the entire world.

Yes, I get annoyed. Yes, I get frustrated.

Sometimes I think I might just lose my mind, but I’d pick up your underwear and your crayons a million times over, my love.

I know that I am the luckiest one that ever was that I get to be your mom. I know that I’m the wealthiest person on the planet that I get to raise you. I wouldn’t trade a second of the pain that comes with parenting for any other life. It is my greatest joy to be the one who gets to wake you up in the morning and tuck you into bed at night.

It is my greatest joy even when I feel tired instead of blessed.

When it comes down to it, as I look at your sweet and priceless face asleep against your pillow…this is the most beautiful journey. It is my joy and honor to be right here in this moment with you.

I know that I miss it with you, maybe more than I get it right. I know that I react often instead of pausing to think. I know that I make big issues out of small things that don’t really matter.

I’m far from a perfect mom. I miss it and I make mistakes, but my heart belongs to you always and forever.

Always and forever I am yours.

Love,

Mama

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13 thoughts on “Dear Kids, When I’m tired…

  1. Anthea

    Hi, I always get emotional when read your beautiful words. But this one hits hard. I asked my daughter to write what she likes and dislikes about me. The dislikes outweighed the likes. What an eye opener. Most not quite accurate but I appreciate that she wrote it; through the tears and all. She is 11years old and we seem to not understand each other anymore. She is mostly closed off. Shares very little and cries at everything. And I try to remember love today only but I fail every single day. But keep writing your beautiful words because they inspire me to try harder. I will be sharing your letter with her because it’s everything I feel. Xxx

  2. Ashley Bell

    Confession your writing is helping me find my happy/I’m-crazy Mom self. For the longest time I felt this odd blurred place of gratitude and strain. I have two sons with special needs and my days look and feel over whelming at times. And they also look beautiful and full of unique blessings. I appriciate your words of reminders to not take my self so damn seriously but also honor the struggle at times too. Thank you

  3. Angela

    Your blog posts always touch a nerve as I feel ‘exactly’ the same. I have been blessed with twins who were born super early and struggled for their first few months of life. I struggle to find a balance between spoiling them (to make them happy) and being tough on them (to teach them decent manners and social skills), as well as proving them with the resilience they need to deal with what life will bring. But I too often pause and watch them sleep and think about how lucky I am. Especially when I have those crazy days when I feel like the worst mum in the world. Thank you for expressing in words what is often in our hearts and in our heads and helping us mums feel normal.

  4. Joarlyn ME

    Your article reminded me of this piece I read somewhere, equally tearjerking as well.

    The Last Time

    From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
    you will never be the same.
    You might long for the person you were before,
    When you had freedom and time,
    And nothing in particular to worry about.
    You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
    And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
    Full of feedings and burping,
    Nappy changes and cryng,
    Whining and fighting,
    Naps or a lack of naps,
    It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

    But don’t forget…
    There is a last time for everything.
    There will come a time when you will feed your baby
    for the very last time.
    They will fall asleep on you after a long day
    And it will be the last time you ever hold your
    sleeping child.
    One day you will carry them on your hip,
    then set them down,
    And never pick them up that way again
    You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
    And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
    They will hold your hand to cross the road,
    They will never reach for it again.
    They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
    And it will be the last time you ever wake to this.
    One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
    and do all the actions,
    Then never sing them that way again.
    They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
    The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
    You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your
    last dirty face.
    They will one day run to you with arms raised,
    for the very last time.The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
    Until there are no more times, and even then,
    it will take you a while to realise.
    So while you are living in these times,
    remember there are only so many of them and
    when they are gone,
    you will yearn for just one more day of them.

    For one last time.

  5. Sandi Kaitner

    I recently started to follow you and I feel such joy in knowing that someone else feels these emotions and can say them in a raw but authentic way. we as in all human beings, have these feelings and can just relax because what life throws at us is just that, life!!! Being a grandmother and helping raise my grandchildren, I still feel these raw emotions everyday and I cry everytime I read your messages. Keep living and writing about lifes joys and sadness, because its just that…..Life!!!

  6. Pingback: Dear Kids, When I’m Tired – Her View From Home

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