Dear Husband, Family Members, Santa, Friends,
In case you wondering what it is my heart desires…
1. A toddler play yard except I need it to be much bigger and taller. I don’t plan on keeping my kids in it, I plan on keeping my kids out. I will call it “Mommy’s personal space” or “Please don’t touch me right now”. I’m going to bring it to the playground because when I take my kids to the playground (imagine this) I want them to PLAY. I provide gas, and transportation, they must provide play. I want to sit on a bench and observe them at play. I want to feel the sun and drink my coffee while they are at play. What I do not want to do is talk about boredom or snacks.
I will also use it when my kids have friends over for a playdate. I’ll tape a sign on it that says I AM NOT THE ENTERTAINMENT. My contribution to this playdate is children and granola bars, that is all.
2. Safety Ear Muffs. These are like the ones I used to use when I’d target practice with my dad. Noise canceling headphones that play music are also an option, but do you know what’s awesome? SILENCE. Sometimes when all our kids are asleep my husband and I look at each other and are all, what is that beautiful sound? Are the angels singing?
Oh wait, it’s just quiet.
I plan to use them in the bath, when I’m cooking dinner, and when I’m attempting to think about anything ever.
3. Speaking of baths, I will be back in five hours.
4. This automatic food dispenser would be nice. I will fill it with popcorn and baby carrots. Knock yourself out kids! If you need me I will be shaving my legs for the first time this month.
5. A water fountain is every mom’s dream. Hey, Joanna Gaines, is there a forth option where I can install a water fountain for my children? Yes, I’ll skip the new patio thanks. They are very thirsty all of the time, like camels fresh out of the dessert thirsty, and I have shit to do.
6. How about this Osaki OS6000C Model OS-6000 Deluxe Massage Chair? I’m just trying to decide if I want to install it as the driver’s seat of my suburban, or as my chair at the dining room table.
“Don’t worry honey, you throw that tantrum just as long as you want, this parking lot is Mommy’s favorite!”
“No, sweetie I can’t get you seconds on dinner because my ten minute massage isn’t finished and neither are my potatoes.”
7. Mommy’s diaper bag just got wild, and trips to Target just got upgraded. Bye, husband and kids I’m meeting the ladies at Targeeeeeeeey! Don’t wait up!
8. Two California King beds. We have been sharing a queen since we got married which means we haven’t really slept in ten years. My four-year-old and/or my six-year-old still show up nightly which would be alright except the littlest one is the exact same as sleeping with a herd of adult elephants. I couldn’t find anything larger than a California King, so I guess I’ll take two.
9. A pregnancy body pillow. No, I’m not pregnant. Stop judging.
10. WTF notes. I will use these to stick to the offending child’s door. Things like WTF? Why did you punch your brother? WTF? Why does your room smell like wet dog all the time? WTF? Why didn’t you bring your shoes to the grocery store?
I will tell them WTF means WHAT THE FARTFACE and that is why it is very inappropriate to repeat.
11. A gavel. I really feel like when I am judging important arguments like “who this stuffed kitty belongs to” and “who gets to hold the Costco receipt with the smiley face on it” this gavel would come in handy. It would help everyone understand my authority when I say things like, “This receipt goes in the garbage and everyone goes to kid jail!” for example.
If you can’t get any of these things, don’t worry, I am also accepting house cleaners, uber eats credit, and 10 lb Toberones.
12. They say it takes weeks to consume, I say try me.
So, while cute boots would be nice, an adult size play yard and noise cancelling headphones would be nicer.