I wrote a quick article yesterday about cellulite. I have it and I own it, that’s it.
I get a lot of crappy comments on other things that I usually shrug off, but I had one yesterday that really got me. I am an eating disorder survivor, and even though it has been seventeen years since I had to weekly see a counselor, nutritionist, and a doctor, her words still triggered me. They triggered me in the icky way that made old thoughts emerge from the grave where I buried them. I imagine it’s similar with any addiction regardless of how many years have gone by.
I since deleted and reported her comments (thank you to everyone who chimed in my defense). Basically she said that I am unhealthy and she would never allow her body to look like mine, and as a mother I should set a better example for my kids.
I’m sure this came from a very wounded person and I have no intention of focusing on her or making her into a villain.
But I do want to speak up and talk this through because that’s just what I do.
Today my mind went to a dark place and it took me a bit to climb my way back out, so here is me speaking outloud to every old body dysmorphic and disordered eating lie:
I am beautiful and I am worthy; so are you. I’m not defined by a number on the scale or skin that’s not dimpled and stretch-marked. My boobs are like deflated helium balloons from years of nursing, my thighs have stretch marks from my “pregnant butt”, I have cellulite that multiplies every year I grow older, and I accept that. I love my body and I will never hate it again. Period.
I will not hide my body around my daughters and I will not ever talk poorly about it around them. I will laugh when they point out my boobs kinda “hang there” and when they mention my butt wobbles when I walk (because they do and it does and I’m fine with that).
I will not focus on perfecting my blemishes because I don’t have time for that shit. I will focus on loving my kids, my husband, my God, my friends, and the people I come in contact with every day. I will teach my kids to do the same.
I have found that having grace for myself is directly related to having grace for others, so I choose grace even though sometimes it’s a battle.
I will never stop eating ever again. Not for a diet, not for a cleanse, not for a fast. That is too close to old bondage and too triggering for me to ever do (even for a “healthy” cause).
I’m not against healthy lifestyle changes, in fact some of them can bring a lot of freedom. However, I will be careful not to adopt one that is too controlling and limiting. I have found when I become too “strict” with food it directly affects my joy and my appetite for life.
I will take care of my body and treat it well. I will run because it gives me mental clarity and peace in my soul. I will feed myself nutritious foods because I need good fuel. I will also eat ice-cream and Spicy Cheetos because treats are fun and every day is a celebration of life. My body is important and valuable, but I will not obsess about it (been there, done that).
I’m a not a bad mom because I have cellulite on my body. I am a good mom who has cellulite on her body. Seventeen years ago I chose life instead of death. My children are the fruit of that choice and of God’s goodness.
Much love to all of you.
Here’s the link to the original post (I deleted triggering comments for myself and others who have battled or are battling eating disorders).