Yesterday I snapped at you about something silly. I was tired and overwhelmed and I took it out on you. You looked at me with your deep blue eyes and I knew I was messing up, but somehow I couldn’t stop the freight train of words that were already spilling out of my mouth. Every time I tried to backpedal and change directions I’d ruin it with another lecture; “BUT,” I said, “I just really need you to…”
I knew I was missing it. The whole time I knew I wasn’t being the kind of mom I want to be.
It wasn’t you, it was me.
I know that it seems like a billion years until you’re as old as me. You probably imagine that you’ll know what you’re doing by the time you’re my age; I wish that were true.
I thought that too.
Sometimes I’m tired; sometimes I wake up on the wrong side of the bed; sometimes I’m stressed about adult things. Sometimes I’m frustrated with me and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
I’m still learning and growing and making mistakes.
It’s humbling, it’s embarrassing, and it’s true.
I wish I was careful with your heart every single second of every day. I wish I never made mistakes. I wish I always listened to every word you said. I wish I never misunderstood you or snapped at you. I wish I was never too hard on you. I wish that every time you looked in my eyes you only saw how much I adore everything about you; because believe me, I do.
If you saw yourself for one second how I see you, you would never doubt yourself again, ever. I adore you. I adore the way you smile and the way you cry. I even love the fire that bursts out of you when you’re mad. I love the way you sleep and the way you run. I love the way you tell jokes and how you look when you snuggle in a chair to read. I love your hair and your eyes and your crooked toes.
When I look at you I see nothing wrong, not one thing.
I may not always show it well. In fact, some days I do a pretty crappy job, but please, never ever doubt my love for you.
Please, never ever doubt how much I believe in you.
I would stand in front of trains and trucks.
I would walk through fire and swim across rivers.
I would do anything to protect you because my heart and soul are forever yours.
And you are worth every ounce of me.
There’s nothing I want more than for you to know how deeply I love you and the treasure I see in you.
I make lots and lots of mistakes and I say sorry often.
I hope that teaches you something.
I hope it teaches you that you can make lots and lots of mistakes too. I hope it teaches you that I am always safe to fail around; I hope it teaches you that perfection isn’t needed, but humility is.
To the moon and back my dears. Every day, all day, and forever.