Some days I’ve been guilty of expecting too much from you too soon. I’ve been guilty of wanting you to mature faster. I’ve been guilty of wishing away some of the hardest seasons. I’ve been guilty of wanting to fast forward through the difficult times like postpartum anxiety, late night feedings, and tantrums that seemed like they would never end.
I wished it to go faster in the moment when I was exhausted and fragile and doubting my own strength, but my love; I don’t ever want you to grow up.
I’ll never be ready for the day you walk out the door to start your own life.
I never want the day to come when my house stays clean and there’s no more crumbs on the kitchen floor. I feel like I’m fighting a battle I will never win. I clean and within a few minutes it’s a disaster again. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I get exasperated, but I never want the day to come when my floors stay clean.
I never want the day to come when you stop wandering into my room in the middle of the night to put your bony little knees into my back. I wake up to steal my pillow back and my body aches from the strange positions I sleep in, but I will miss this. I never want the day to come when my bed is large and empty and I sleep uninterrupted through the night.
I never want the day to come when you stop calling me Mama and begging me to sing just one more song. After a long day I want nothing more than to veg out with a glass of wine; and one more song might as well be one more mile at the end of a marathon, but I will miss this. I never want the day to come when my evenings are long and I can do whatever I want.
I never want the day to come when I don’t have to retrieve 5 cups and 2 mugs from your room that smells like hamsters and B.O.. I roll my eyes and holler at you that this is gross and to put your dishes away next time, but I never want the day to come when my cupboards stay full of clean dishes.
I never want the day to come when I don’t have to make meals and snacks enough to feed an army. Even though I sigh at my empty fridge and gasp when you eat an entire pizza…I never want the day to come when my freezer stays full.
I never want the day to come when there’s no more laughing, yelling, and even bickering. It’s so noisy and sometimes I shout for you all to “QUIET DOWN!”, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will miss this. I never want the day to come when I can hear myself think without hiding in the bathroom for a hot minute.
I never want the day to come when you don’t talk back and argue with me anymore. I get all worked up and I yell more than I should, but I will miss this. I will miss this ornery pre-teen you’ve become. I never want the day to come when I can’t come to find you to talk it out when we’ve calmed down.
I never want the day to come when I’m not tired anymore. I never, ever want the day to come when I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want.
Please don’t grow up.
Please help me push pause on these days forever.
I know I don’t want to miss out on the person you’re becoming. I know each new stage will come with its own sets of joys and challenges, but I know I will miss these days so much it will hurt.
I never want the day to come when my life is uncomplicated, quiet, and clean.
These are the best days of my life.
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Huge thanks to my friend Elizabeth Lucht Photography for this photo (Facebook + Insta).
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