Mom Brain is Real

I have a friend who is kind of like Google. She knows everything. She texted me a week ago to tell me how overjoyed she was that she found a Latin course online for free. I texted her to say I like pudding and nachos (something I am equally excited about). Next time I’m wanting to read 100 Years of Solitude though…(yes, I had to look that up) I know who to call. Also, if that happens, she should be worried because I’ve probably been abducted by aliens.

I am forever grateful for my friend and her vast knowledge of obscure things.  I use her as a sort of brain crutch and text her things like; “Do I like guava kombucha?” and “If I mix vinegar and bleach will I die?”

She is now 9 weeks pregnant with her first, and last night she went to flush a banana peel down my toilet.

Dear friend,

Mom brain is real. Sorry about that.

In your honor, I have compiled a list of things that definitely happen to me barely ever all the time. You may or may not want to prepare for these things to happen to you. Or just get a tattoo that says, “I am not crazy, just tired.”

Tattoos look good on you, so maybe do that.

Love,

Jess

 

***

I give really good mom-speeches to my kids about how potatoes are not soccer balls, and “No more than one” marker tattoo on your illiterate little sister that says “boys rule”. I’m feelin’ real good about my magic with words, but their eyes are glazed with confusion.

“Mom, why did you tell Haven to stop singing soccer balls?”

The usuals. Throwing away keys. Putting ice cream in the refrigerator. Losing 17 debit cards in a row. Leaving the car running for four hours. Forgetting English. Telling my friend I don’t have any brothers, when clearly, I have a brother. Normal stuff.

Three trips to the grocery store for one meal. I am terrible at grocery shopping. I have friends who do a trip a week. I salute you. Have you considered starting a business to do this for other less skilled people? I come home with taco shells, sour cream, salsa and three things of raspberry fruit bars, feeling very pleased with myself.

At 5:30 I realize we are not vegetarians.

The one thing I have going for me is that I’m usually wearing a delightful combination of high-water sweat pants, snow boots and left over mascara my first grocery run of the day . I’m pretty sure they think I’m two different people.

I used to be a good student. Now my hand writing is not legible, and I would die without auto-correct.

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Although, I may instead die from autocorrect.

When someone asks me a question and I feel like it’s a test.  My palms get all sweaty, I’m going to have to REMEMBER things.

“How was your trip?”

“What trip?”

“…your trip.”

“Oh! When I went to Seattle on Monday….right. I don’t remember.”

Or there’s the classic…

“How are you?”

“Gooooooooooooood, hahaha.” (I have no idea.)

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My gorgeous friend Annie who puts the sexy back in mom brain.

Leaving my child’s shoes at the library. How does that even happen? How did I successfully walk to the car with my kid, never realizing – oh hey – they don’t have shoes on. Were they walking in their socks? Did they steal someone else’s shoes? I don’t even know.

Appointments. That is all. I really can’t talk about it without my heart rate rising. I will just say that things that include the words “drop-in” are more my style.

Losing all the things. I learned a long time ago to stop using the words: “I think my phone, purse, ID, credit card…were stolen.”. Oh…right, my phone is right here, in the underwear drawer (obviously).

Cooking mishaps. Making brownies for my friends that are the consistancy of tree sap and not at all chewable. Shattering our front window  because I preheated the BBQ (for an hour) right next to it, and setting all the utensils on fire because I forgot to open the lid.

Torched utensil
R.I.P. spatula.

Randomly screaming. Everyone is peacefully walking out of Costco when I see a SUV coming our way. I can’t get the words out fast enough as I see my four year old turn to get a wrapper off the ground. In decibels not safe for the human ears I scream – “STOOOOOOOP!!!”

Only thing is, Oaklee is still holding my friend’s hand and the Suburban of Terror was turning into a different row.

Guys, in my mind, it was real. I was having a heart attack – and now you are. You’re welcome.

 

Asking my friend to read my blog before I share it, to make sure I didn’t say anything insane. And if it is insane, that it’s at least funny-insane.

***

Carry on Momma! You are AWESOME, remember, NONE of us are perfect. We are just a messy band of sisters, showing up and doing our best in the most flawed of ways.

To find this amazing #mombrain hoody (which is SO cozy btw) check out WutheringIris on Etsy. My fabulous friend Jenn Hanson makes these as well as extremely adorable head bands (as seen)…(#momhair – can I get an amen?). You can follow Jenn @wutheringiris on Instagram.

You can follow me here at wonderoak.com or on my Facebook page WONDEROAK Blog!

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The stroller brigade.

In honor of us all being in this together – please share your best mom-brain moment!

27 thoughts on “Mom Brain is Real

  1. queenofmycastlesite

    Um, i have 4 children so I have had a couple of mum brain moments. I think it never really goes away once you have kids. I had a moment the other day where I just popped home real quick before collecting my eldest, popped into the house, gathered up a load of washing and put it on. Next thing I know: car keys gone. I search high and low. Can’t find them. Spend 10 minutes intensely staring into the washing machine convinced the keys are in there along with that wash I put on. I’m not entirely convinced though and keep looking around the house. Getting a little frantic. Start cursing myself, the keys, life…. 3 kids waiting in the car. I go back to the washing machine, back to the car…any ways in the end I find the keys inside the sleeve of my baby’s coat…..
    Brilliant post. Thanks for sharing.

  2. joonitree

    How about the first time I went shopping with my first babym I was so focused on NOT Forgetting baby that I left EVERYTHING I had just bought in the shopping cart and drove away.

  3. wonderoak

    YES that would SOOO be something I would do! I’ve also been so focused on not forgetting to pay the barista that I drive off without my coffee!!

  4. Mary G.

    This post makes me smile for so many reasons!! Top of this list- seeing you two sit in the treehouse that ours kids built!! My top mombrain moments: totally forgetting to pick my kids up at school on the cursed random early release days 🙁 ; getting home and it taking an hour to realize to were missing a kid- who’s blissfully Still sleeping the car. The joke at our house is that nothing of mine is ever lost b/c nothing has a place. Thanks for sharing and bragging on sweet Annie!

  5. wonderoak

    Love this Mary! I totally forgot this was your tree house! My thing is I tell every one I’m just “so creative” I think of a NEW place to put things each time haha!

  6. Bridge

    My car keys are still missing. Have been for weeks. I have four kids – ages 10, 3, 2, and 1. I strongly suspect mombrain is here to stay. It may have even contributed to that last darling whoopsiebaby we adore.

  7. Hannah

    So many mom brain moments! Besides the daily misplacing of my phone, keys, purse, coffee, etc. I once left my purse at the Tamarack…and did not realize for THREE whole days that it was actually lost. I just used Zac’s debit card whenever I needed to run to the store thinking I didn’t have time to find mine wherever it was in the house :/ I also once put half an onion away in the silverware drawer…found it in there the next morning…haha! All the utensils needed to be washed because they smelled like onions.

  8. Karen

    While I was pouring my shot of espresso I forgot how to turn off the pour…resulting in espresso everywhere, along with tears. I had panicked in the moment and was so embarrassed I didn’t even ask hubby, who was beside me, for help. He saw the espresso river, and wife staring at the action in horror, and turned it off.
    (There are only two buttons on our machine: the power switch and the pour-off switch. Either would have done the job.) Sigh.

  9. Mom Marie

    I love love this blog Jess! I had many mom brain moments but after 6 kids I don’t remember them anymore😜!

  10. Sam S.

    Too much laughter. I think there is a need for a future post on mom bladder. I may have actually peed myself a little when I got to your picture of the spatula.

  11. Stuck

    Absolutely fabulous – and true! My mom brain is so bad I can’t think of any examples to share. It’s universal, I’m afraid. Thanks for the laughs!

  12. Katy

    I am dying! Absolutely dieing reading this and the comments! So funny! Thanks so much for sharing! You have a gift!

  13. GumbaGumba

    My baby boy is 8 weeks old, a few weeks ago I found myself standing in the shower in front of the water washing my face when I realised that I was still wearing my bra!! Glad I hadn’t stepped under the water yet!!

  14. allforgloryblog

    Amazing writing. You make it easy enough to even feel it. Love the BBQ’d spatula. Thanks so much for the laughs. I’m a teacher by profession. I normally put on blouse first before makeup. My daughter is 6 now but when she was about 2 and a half one morning I was heading to the car with just undies and cozy bunny ear slippers when she made a weird face and stopped to look at me…while I was saying “C’mon lets go, or we’ll be late”

  15. LG

    One time when the kid was 15 months old and refusing to get weaned, I had a nagging feeling that I needed to do something really urgently, and between utter sleep deprivation, and boobies that hurt like hell with a teething baby often on it, it took me an easy 10 minutes to realise that I really needed to poop. Thank God I realised it before nature took over.

  16. altruisticmom

    I just did a training at MOPS for young moms on BABY BRAIN IS IT REAL? Its import at for moms to understand how sleep deprivation and changes of our body effect us and to manage self care

  17. Kaila

    All I have to say as a mommy of 4 two of them being under 4 I made a whole chicken crock pot meal without ever putting the crock in the metal cooker….. apparently it was delicious and we never knew until I told my hubby to just put the ceramic in the fridge with the leftovers and he was like what are you talking about there is no piece coming out of this thing unless I brake it apart and that’s when I realized I never put it in the actual ceramic crock I just threw everything in lolol…… did I mention I left last week for work in my slippers mommy brain is real

  18. Nicole

    oh my gosh I just laughed so hard. I have done so many similar things. “…Telling my friend I don’t have any brothers, when clearly, I have a brother. Normal stuff.” I work part-time and whenever I go into work on Tuesday I have to make myself remember things for the typical “How was your weekend?” conversation because otherwise I’m like “what weekend?” Thanks for keeping it real!

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