PSA: I Fired the Tooth Fairy

I fired the tooth fairy.

I am all done moonlighting as an ivory collector.

It was the fifth time the, “tooth fairy must have been so busy she forgot!” while my husband and I mouthed obscenities to each other over their heads, HOW COULD WE LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN???! My son sat me down and gently asked, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

I just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. I caved.

“YEEEEEES, I’m SOOO sorry!”

“It’s okay Mom,” he said kindly, “but can I please have the money?”

“Go grab my purse.”

Now that they know the truth, my seven year old tells me 47 times before goes to bed, “I just can’t wait until the TOOTH FAIRY comes tonight. The TOOTH FAIRY is welcome to leave cash or small toys, in case the TOOTH FAIRY was wondering.” Then he winks at me wildly until I’m worried he’s having a seizure.

The problem is, this doesn’t help, because I am going to forget forever and my kids are shedding teeth like sheep dogs lose hair. We practically have to eat through straws around here.

I never think about it again until I feel him staring at me disapprovingly while I make breakfast the next morning.

“WHAT?!” I finally ask.

“The Tooth Fairy forgot last night, ” he says. Then he doesn’t break eye contact for a full thirty seconds in case we both weren’t clear WHO the fairy is that he’s referring to.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS. Why can I not remember this??

Also HOW DID THIS EVEN BECOME A THING??

Did the mothers of old turn their children’s canines into ivory earrings or barter with them at the local trading post?? Why are we paying our kids for their teeth? Do we think they will leave the tooth forever to rot in their heads if we don’t offer them some sort of cash incentive?

I feel like if I knew what I was supposed to do with the ivory once I collected it, maybe I’d be better at remembering.

Also I’m pretty sure you need Jedi skills to rummage under a child’s head and not wake them up. Worst. Idea. Ever. Do other people’s children sleep kind of like dead people? Is there a form of Children’s Nyquil reserved for the tooth fairy? Or is it simple use of pre-bedtime hypnotism?

Just tell me.

I really think there needs to be more explanations or speciality training courses for this. Right along with child birth. Here’s how to remove a tooth from underneath a sleeping child, taught by Dr. James Bond.

Meanwhile, I just made a family announcement:

I want to inform you all that I will now be doing daylight cash transactions for teeth. No more back alley deals. You bring me the tooth and I give you quarters.

During the day. When 100% of this family is awake.

The end.

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15 thoughts on “PSA: I Fired the Tooth Fairy

  1. Catherine

    Hilarious! I used to make excuses and say that the tooth fairy would now add interest to the payment. My bad memory cost me a lot of money;)

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  3. Only Human

    This is fantastic! I can’t remember that I have eggs or rice boiling on the stove. I have no idea how I am going to remember to swap teeth for money when I have kids. Also, how are you supposed to lift their pillows without waking them?!

  4. Library Girl

    Haha, yeah, it’s kind of a ridiculous tradition, if you think about it. I’m deciding now (before my daughter even starts growing teeth the first time around) that our house is outside the Tooth Fairy’s route.

  5. wonderoak

    That is the thing! I think I wait so long to make sure they’re asleep enough for me to rummage around under their heads…but they are never asleep enough for that haha!

  6. cheyenne65

    Love this and how true! I unwillingly watches an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians yesterday where one of them laments that she didn’t having anything smaller in her purse than a $100 bill. THAT’S what her kid got for losing his tooth. At least you don’t have that kind of pressure to keep up with.

  7. feedinghangrymonsters

    Why are we paying our kids for their teeth! Glad to know I’m not the only one who forgets! Love the part about missing so many teeth everyone needs to eat with straws, you have a great sense of humor!

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