Confessions from a Stay at Home Mom

I know you think I wear yoga pants and athletic-T’s because I spend my days doing pilates while my kids practice Mozart on their harmonicas. But, I’m here to tell you, I wear them because they’re stretchy.

Whenever I don’t have a pile of laundry, I do teach them French and help them draw Rembrandt replicas with crayons. That hasn’t happened yet, but I’m projecting by the time they’re in their 30’s I’ll have reached the bottom of the basket. Pretty excited to get started.

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I have gone kid-deaf. If my husband and I go anywhere together and he’s driving, I’m going to use that time to jam to tunes and pluck my eyebrows. Obviously. But, after a while I can feel his raised eyebrows boring into my soul. It really messes with a girl’s mojo. Finally the hints become far too unsubtle to ignore. “What?”

“THE KIDS.” Says husband.

“What?” I ask again.

“I’m DRIVING, can you DO SOMETHING?”

It is only then that I notice the screaming in the back seat. It has something to do with a receipt they found on the floor and who should be the proud owner of such a treasure. I try to explain that my ability to “tune-out” is a learned skill, but he doesn’t want to be my student.

There is only one reason I’m wearing a parka at school pick-up in the Spring. It wasn’t a bra day, it just wasn’t.

I have friends who don’t drink coffee. I literally cannot comprehend this lifestyle. My parenting strategy is to try not talking until I’m caffeinated.  I once was told that an apple gives you more energy than a cup of coffee. Hmmm. First of all, an apple only gives me enough energy to eat two toasted cheese bagels. Secondly, I tried it, and if apple energy makes your body feel like lead, and your mind feel like applesauce, then I had it.

Also, I’m contemplating getting a tattoo across my chest that says, “Coffee is my life.”

If I get dressed and put on makeup I’m going to go somewhere. Even if it’s the post office or the hardware store, I need witnesses. I got dressed and wore clothes today. You’re welcome. Also, next time you see a mom who is clothed and makeup-ed, take a moment to appreciate it. Maybe offer to take her picture and post it on Instagram #hottie. She meant to get out of the house at 9am and it’s 3:45. She needs the affirmation.

Kid food is the best. There is one reason I stoop to the level of chicken nuggets “for the kids”. That one reason is so I can accidentally eat fifteen of them. Why are the SO GOOD?? Okay, so I don’t buy all these things all the time (don’t judge), but let’s be real. HOW epic is macaroni and cheese? Enough said.

It is real. I have lost my mind to mom-brain. My friend forgot her name one time when she went to sign a receipt. It takes me ten minutes to remember my kids’ birth years and it involves a lot of counting. When people ask what I’ve been up to, I stare at them blankly until they’re uncomfortable. I’m not trying to hypnotize them…I’m trying to recall my week, and yeah, I got nothin’.

Socks are my nemesis. Where are they? It doesn’t matter how many I buy. And I’m long past “matching”.  Mismatched socks is like a thing in our house, but when I’m bargaining with my eight year old boy to “just see” if his four year old sister’s socks will fit…things have gotten desperate. Hi, I’d like a subscription to a 100 new pairs of socks per month. One size fits all for ages 2-30. Thank you.

Time-outs are for me. Obviously. I would think this would be a given, but you never know. Time outs are for me to sneak chocolate and watching a couple YouTube videos with adult language. Also, bonus, they come out with better attitudes and so do I.

I am that mom. When a group of kids is walking down the center of the road, it’s no longer adequate to wait until they notice me and slowly maneuver around them. This calls for a pull-over discussion about the best ways to stay alive. When there are some supervision-less children dropping the F-bomb and  twenty pound rocks off the dock near other kids heads? No problem. A mom-lecture is needed and I can deliver. It’s like a new specialty of mine.

I like my job. Dear Stranger who is so thankful to not live my life, you seem to think I got coerced into spending my time with small children. It may shock you to know that my husband doesn’t lock me in my house each day. I hang out with these little people on purpose. I might not always be a stay at home mom, but for now, I CHOSE this.

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They are “busy”, but they’re also precious and hilarious. Exhausted as I may be…I’m exhausted in a pretty wonderful way.

What confession can you relate to the most?…or share one of your own!

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**Some of you have asked where I got the awesome T, I bought it here: jumpingjackjack  on Etsy.

 

99 thoughts on “Confessions from a Stay at Home Mom

  1. Mary

    I love this!! the laundry is so out of control!! I loved your last paragraph – I love my job! Thanks for sharing

  2. Ellie

    Once again, you had me laughing and relating! 😉 also, as I sit here at the salon (for my kids haircuts, not mine… I haven’t been in over a year for me), and they are devouring the complimentary snacks, I’m realizing they are so hungry because I never fed them lunch in our errand filled day and it’s nearly 3pm! So yeah, I rocked this healthy lunch of pretzels, Capri Sun and mini cupcakes. That hits all the food groups, right? Ha! My fave of yours was definitely the kid-deaf one and even more that I totally pluck my eyebrows in the car… Heck, I don’t think my kids know that makeup is not meant to be applied in the car, as well! I always mutter something about the lighting being better when Ben gives me a hard time about it. 😉

  3. Laura Harte

    YES! YES! YES! This cracked me up! Seriously this is my life. The only thing you left out is my reaction when I hear someone tell me,” well why don’t you take it easy today just take a nap!”.. No, they do not have kids so they do not understand this statement deserves a quick punch to the throat! What is a nap? You mean when the little one takes his nap? No, that is scrape the food off the floor, get laundry out of the washer (since it has been washed 2xs and you hope it isn’t sour again) time.

  4. Dyreka

    Seriously had to stop reading this a few times. Oh, the piece is great…just had to repeatedly threaten my toddler with turning on “stupid, dumb show” (read: anything but cartoons) if he didn’t stop wiping ketchup on everything.

  5. Dianne

    I think you and I share a brain, not in the bad way like we each only have half a brain, but the other way.. umm I forgot what I was trying to say.
    Basically, I concur.

  6. SimpLeigh Organized

    I can definitely relate to putting on makeup and getting dressed! I get so caught up working from home that sometimes I don’t shower until 2. So when I get dressed, you’d better notice!! 🙂

  7. AmyAmy

    This is awesome I love it! I am no longer (sadly) a stay at home, my baby is in the 3rd grade. But I miss those days. Frustrating as they are at the time. The coffee for sure and the Instagram #hottie made me chuckle 😀

  8. Colleen

    This was such an amazing, hilarious, and accurate article!! I have 5 kids (10, 8, 5, 2, 6 mos) and am ALWAYS late. I have half a brain at this point, but deem it function-able enough to homeschool. Coffee is my morning bestie (but there is no peace while I “enjoy” it), laundry is piling up at Mount Washmore, school needs to be done, the chores are never ending…and actually getting dressed for my day at the house would be nice. But in reality, I’ve learned to roll with a sink full of dirty dishes, love the spit-up in my hair, and enjoy the many funnies that my kids do…such as making Nunchucks out of three pairs of underwear (clearly I have boys). God is good, and I couldn’t be more blessed. And I’m so thankful for a loving husband who works so hard for our family so that I can stay at home building memories that will last for a lifetime (in my yoga pants and pajamas)! 😉

  9. Nikki

    “I am that mom” I am so that mom as I was a preschool teacher before staying home and I will let the other kids my children are playing know that they need to “make better choices” in other words don’t hit my kid! Or that what they are doing doesn’t look very safe! I have even told a kid before I would go find his parents if he hit my kid again…..

  10. Carmin

    Haha. You are hilarious. Being a stay at home mom is hilarious. I just found your blog and remembered Josh Healy mentioning you last summer (mom brain, so I don’t remember what he was saying–but I’m positive that it was good). We are in Boston for a while, but when we move back to Kali, I am starting a book club for us stay at home moms when the kids go to bed…so at 9pm, we’ll kick things off with a few pots of coffee and a communal nap. Top knots will be required. You should come. Xoxo

  11. Phoebe Hersom

    Ok. I was a stay-at-home mom with my first two kids, and now that we have adopted grandchildren, I am a working mom. I still relate to soooo much of this! Especially the part about admonishing other people’s unattended children 🙂 only when I think someone is going to get hurt, though! 🙂

  12. Desiree

    I only have one kiddo, and I still can’t find the bottom of the hamper…even when I think I have ALL the laundry done, I’ll magically find some shoved under the bed or on the bathroom floor. Sigh.

    And whoever said that an apple gives the same amount of energy as coffee should have apples thrown at them…can you tell I haven’t had my coffee yet? 😉

  13. Alicia

    In addition to socks I would also like to add shoes … Why o why are my kids shoes always missing I spend more time looking for shoes then actually going places … down the laundry shoot, next to the trampoline,in the car anywhere but where they are supposed to be

  14. Debora Jones

    Oh how i know these days im not a stay at home mom anymore i work nights and im home during the day with 2 toddlers and 2 teens all boys and i know all about the socks and the shoes and yes coffee is a must in our house but i love my life and wouldn’t trade it for the world

  15. spittman17

    In the car, Eyebrows! And checking out when dad is around. I have always wondered about this. Although not fun for dad, it kind of feels like a mommy super power.

  16. Booth Talks Books

    Anytime I see a mom who has make up on and is looking quite fine that day, I always comment on how beautiful she is. My husband always asks if I know the person and I always respond no. It is always weird to him, but I understand how much trouble it takes to do what she did. I am also that mom that Will say something to those naughty kids using that foul language or being mean to that kid over in the corner. If their parents are going to do it, by George I sure am. I love staying home with my kids. They are free comedy.

  17. Melissa

    All of this! The whole article I can totally relate to! I love it! Confession, I have totally been known to sneak chocolate without my kids knowing. And with three of them that’s a feat; they’re EVERYWHERE, there’s no child less place in our house. I have become a chocolate ninja!

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