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Tag: Humor
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Why We Take Our Kids to the Bar.
Recently I went to a sports bar/pizza place for a friend’s birthday. There was sawdust on the floor, peanuts, and initials carved into the table. I thought, you know who belongs here? My kids. I was right. A week later we brought them. We got a paper tray full of peanuts and my husband instructed everyone that their shells were…
wonderoak
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Haters Gunna Hate. A story about decaf and pacifiers.
I remember back when I was a perfect parent. It was around the same time I thought that parachute pants were an excellent fashion choice. It was also when I was going to save the last dance with Sean Patrick Lewis and have his perfect babies. Did I mention I was not yet a mother? No one…
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I’m Sorry I was Late (via Motherly)
I sat down and mapped out a life plan, and so far it looks like I will be late for approximately 15 more years. I’m so excited about my newest post for Motherly, because, FOR REALZZZ. Mornings before kids: 1. Get self ready. 2. Get self in car. 3. Go. Mornings now: 1. Wake up…
wonderoak
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What do Stay at Home Moms DO all day?
While usually we are being quaint and adorable like a live Norman Rockwell painting, there are a few other things that get us from WHYGODWHY in the morning to Netflix-O’clock at night. We clean things so they can be destroyed right exactly before you drop by. I don’t mean to brag, but my kids are capable of making my…
wonderoak
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Confessions: Things I Accidentally Taught my Kids
Sometimes I teach my kids things that I did not intend to teach them. Sometimes this is an extra bonus, like when I accidentally taught my oldest child to be extremely bossy. I pretend to hate this, but really it’s like getting a third parent for free. I’m half-heartedly retraining him to be a child. It is…
wonderoak
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Thank You Mom (What your kids meant to say)
Maybe you’re sitting on a stool in  your kitchen right now, surveying the damage from breakfast. You look in bewilderment at what appears to be the remnants of a crumb monsoon. You stare at your cup of coffee, looking for the answers to life’s questions. About that time, your kids run past you. They tear around the living…
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Mom Runs for Beer: Instructions on how to start running from a non-pro.
Now before I start this, let me just tell you, I’ve been running for 3 months. I am similar to that lady who ranted on Facebook about how parenting isn’t an excuse to not shower and have crumbs under the couch– and she has exactly one 2-week-old infant. We’ve all been collectively giggling while we…
wonderoak
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Summertime Instructions (for the kids)
Dear Kids, It is the beginning of our much anticipated summer together. I have reviewed last years happenings and I have decided to resign from several positions. The positions are as follows: Toilet-Flusher, Sock-Finder, Snack-Maker, and someone to explain (every.single.night.) why the sun is still up at bedtime. Please submit your applications accordingly. Also, from…
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Loving My Body (This one’s for my girls)
A couple days ago, my precious one looked deep into my eyes, placed her chubby little hand on my cheek and said, “Mom, you don’t have a young face, because you have those lines on it.” That came only a week after she’d watched me get out of the shower and lovingly mentioned my “chubby butt”.…
wonderoak
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How to be a Perfect Mom (I Can’t Even)
1.When talking to your kids, try to sound like Mary Poppins, but sweeter and less abrasive.
wonderoak